pillow wig by Joo Youn Paek

i love reading the labels when getting a new helmet. i am reminded that no matter how safe i think i can be by wearing it, it doesn't guarantee that tripping on my own skate and falling backwards will prevent a concussion.

a concussion, as much as i have been wanting to deny it, is a traumatic brain injury. recovering from it isn't something i can just throw a bag of ice on and deal with later. it's been a while now. i am slowing getting back into the swing of things. while recovering, i've learned new disciplines like sitting silently in dark rooms and forcing myself to think about nothing. i wondered how monks meditate for hours on end and have become fascinated by how people live in the middle of nowhere and enjoy having nothing to do.

then i turned on myself, and started asking larger questions that are easy to ignore when so busy.

now that you can't do anything, what can you really do?

i've started a list. no more new year's resolutions. no more 5-year plans. this list is very much about things i need to now or never. when the skies finally clear inside my head and i can see straight to the sun, i'll strap on my new helmet and start again.